is home a place you find one day or leave behind you along the way. I always think about that poem from the lord of the rings, about how stepping out the door can be a dangerous thing because you never know where the road might sweep you off to.
I'm stuck in a room full of boxes and mixed feelings. Tina has finally e-mailed me again and I feel so much more grounded- knowing that berlin is real- singing kevin blechdom in my head as I wake up from dreams about hospital beds and irritated people. I can't wait for the lack of responsibility- no more bad kid feelings, letting go of this place and this moment of life, relaxing the clench in my jaw. I just need to get grounded again, write out a plan, stop editing myself, finding my trusting place again while in the unknown.
I went to 'Mission Creek' prison on Friday as a part of my new job that I will be working until I leave on Oct. 3rd. I'm coordinating a project at my aunts dance Co. called "keeping the faith" and we did an intro to the program for the women inmates there. I saw someone I knew in there, but it was not strange to see one of my people in there- queers and street kids, people who get screwed over by the system and then end up in prison- this is how it happens. Of course, as it was minimum security, it was mostly all white... the 'low crime' population. I remember when I went to Purdy (WCCW) in Gig Harbor the past two years and the overwhelming feeling I had as a queer young woman- that I belonged there somehow. I felt the culture- that on some level I got, I felt the institutionalized environment and the scheduled life and I understood it, the simplicity of self that becomes real while dealing with a space that contains such complexity. I had a good amount of friends end up in Juvie when I was in middle school and when I worked on KTF in 2003 I found out that one of the inmates was cousins with a friend of mine from middle school and I had hung out at her house. It feels healing to just even walk through the doors there and to say hello with a warm smile, to introduce yourself, to show that you even care at all- what that means to people who are' locked away'- it's beyond words. I feel so fortunate to be able to do some of this work before I leave for germany and it has already been some of the most meaningful work I have ever done. I will continue to set up the program and be able to work on the first two days of classes, then leave.
At this point, I will be flying out on Oct. 3rd and get into Hamburg via London on Oct. 4th- head over to my friend Eleni's house and have a films screening there. I might stop through Bremen, but I will for sure be on my way to Berlin to meet up with Devon and Tina/Tony and all the rest of my amazing people there.
I so glad that I have stayed to be with my friend Sailor, that I could be present with her in her healing and be able to see her. She is now doing so much better and although it will be a very long road to recovery, she is already showing us how strong she is, pulling through and trying to communicate, but she needs her rest now. I might go and sit by her tonight, but although today has been simple I am very tired and may go in the morning.
Until I find my words again.
